Apparently you make a good broom.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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