He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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