you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
