i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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