Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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