does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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