Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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