This house was built for laser tag.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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