I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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