im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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