mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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