I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
