Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
