He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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