I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
