Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
