i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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