Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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