I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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