If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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