You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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