i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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