I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
