By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
