checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
