chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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