get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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