I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
They have beer where we have blood.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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