guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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