i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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