I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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