i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
