I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
