Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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