i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
