Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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