I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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