Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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