She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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