I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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