i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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