I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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