Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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