wanna go halves on a baby?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
