i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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