im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
