I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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