clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
