i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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