My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
