We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
