How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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