My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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