you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
