dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
