I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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